Saturday, 28 March 2009

Ode To An Escort Wagon

O car of green from ninety-six
We bought you in good faith
It wasn't long before we knew
We'd made a big mistake.
At first you cruised with love and flair,
Zipped through streets with vigour
But soon we thought you must be haunted
Or at least filled up with liquor.

When your heater we turned on,
The ceiling lights would flicker
And when your hatch defroster lit,
Your engine would start to bicker.
Music blared from speakers rear,
But from the front did not,
If we cared to hear it thus,
It gurgled as if shot.

Soon your engine took a fit
And revved without a cue
Mechanics scratched their heads with frowns,
They didn't have a clue.
Finally the quiz was solved
And you almost purred like a kitten,
Then Christmas Eve you threw a belt
And we all felt much like shittin'.

Later on your tires went bald,
You jerked and slipped, you did
Just five minutes in the snow
Struck fear in us when you slid.
We bought new tires and thus survived
A winter full of flakes
When Spring sprang forth with all its warmth
Alas, we needed brakes.

We took a look at all our books
And fiddled with finances,
To throw good money after bad
Would lessen all our chances
For health and safety on the road,
We had to make a decision -
So off to Toyota's store we went
On a spanking new car mission.

We found a lovely vehicle
With shiny glass and steel
For the first time in all our years
We have two cars we feel
Are happy, healthy, humming cars
With CD players in both,
No old cassette tape misery
Or sluggish, rusty sloth.

No gaffers tape, no filthy oil,
No wires holding up the bottom,
No scratchy music from the back
The new cars they don't got 'em.
No rust, no scratches, no bare spots,
No peeling from the sides,
Our two new cars will fill our days
With hundreds of great rides.

Saturday, 21 March 2009

So Many Children

I don't know how it happened. They snuck up on me and multiplied behind my back. First it was a new email account, then a blog. I joined two lovely forums and bonded with fellow writers. We laughed and cried together, supporting each other in our endeavour to get published.

Along with my first book came a website. I joined another blog, then another. I thought I could handle it.

Then came the Yahoo! groups. I hopped on the self-promo bandwagon and joined one or two, then three or four. With the urging of other writers, I opened a Facebook account. I had fun reconnecting with other authors and old school chums.

Soon, reader forums followed. - Chapters Community, Shelfari, GoodReads... I have to fill out my author profiles and add books to my 'shelves' in hope that someone will snatch my books and put them on their shelves, and so on.

My inbox fills with updates and comments from various sources. I joyfully jump in with comments and kudos. Emails come faster and faster, shouting, "Feed me!"

People call it a time suck, but it has its merits. Small press authors have to reach out on their own to connect with readers, or nobody will ever know about their books.

However, I have to find a balance between writing, networking and cruising around Web World, looking for validation. I gotta go write some more so I can feed all these hungry little children.

If I join Twitter, just shoot me.

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Soothes The Soul

A few months ago, I saw a Canadian television commercial for a Lexus. Normally I don't pay much attention to vehicle ads, but the piece of piano music moved me. It was familiar, yet elusive.

I wondered if it was Gershwin or perhaps an older composition. I tried Googling, but all the forums said it was a piece commissioned by Lexus.
I didn't believe it. The music seemed too... timeless for a car commercial.

When I watched Twilight (yes, I actually watched it) the music showed up again. So I did a little more digging. It is called Claire de Lune, composed by Claude DeBussy. Here it is on YouTube, courtesy of Enigma. Enjoy.

Sunday, 8 March 2009

The Barbie Barometer

It's Barbie's 50th Birthday today. I feel a connection with the diminutive fashion model, not because I have a 21 inch waist (I don't), but because I'll be reaching that milestone later this year.

Over a billion Barbies have been sold since her birth in 1959, and economists estimate that a Barbie doll is sold every three seconds. Over the last half century her clothing, hairstyles and careers have c
hanged to reflect current North American society. She traveled beyond our borders, taking in all cultures.

Her life reads like an epic Romance novel, with challenges, goals, love, marriage and tragedy. Barbie and Ken broke up in 2004, only to be reunited later.

I had one or two Barbies as a girl, but not enough to satisfy me. To feed my habit, I joined forces with my cousin Kim and together we sat at the bottom step of her back door and concocted complicated plots and adventures for our hapless heroines.

Our girls got into many scrapes a la Avengers -- they lived through danger and i
ntrigue. To protect the guilty, I'm not permitted to reveal the details of such plots. Let's just say our heroines were ultimately rescued by Ken.

I guess those early performances planted in my brain, only to spring forth as romantic suspense plots for my novels.

Here are fifty facts about Barbie's journey, borrowed from JSOnline:

1  She was born Barbara Millicent Roberts.

2  Barbie is 11½ inches tall.

3  If Barbie were 5 feet, 6 inches tall, she would have a 39-inch bust, a 21-inch waist and 33-inch hips.

4  Barbie is the brainchild of Ruth Handler, one of the founders of Mattel.

5  Handler was inspired by a European doll called Bild-Lilli, a doll for adults that Handler said she saw in Vienna or Lucerne.

6  Handler named the Americanized doll after her daughter, Barbara.

7  In a series of novels published by Random House in the 1960s, Barbie's parents were George and Margaret Roberts who lived in the fictional town of Willows, Wis.

8  Barbie attended Willows High School but graduated from Manhattan International High School.

9  Barbie's boyfriend is Ken. He's named after Handler's real-life son, who, incidentally, hated the comparisons.

10  Barbie and Ken split up in 2004. They reunited in 2006.

11  Barbie has had more than 40 pets in her lifetime, including a panda, a lion cub and a zebra.

12  Barbie, who started her professional life as a teenage model, has had several careers.

13  Barbie has a pilot's license and can operate a commercial airliner. She has also been a flight attendant.

14  Barbie found a best friend in Midge, who was part of the Barbie lineup from 1963 to 1966.

15  Doctor Barbie debuted in 1988.

16  NASCAR Barbie came out in 1998.

17  There are more than 500 groups related to Barbie on Facebook, including one called Tequila Barbie.

18  Another group is called Divorce Barbie. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's boat; Ken's house; Ken's car; Ken's money;" and, well, you get the idea. Last time we checked, there were eight members.

19  In homage to Sarah Palin, there are two different Facebook groups called Caribou Barbie.

20  The first Barbie cost $3.

21  Barbie Collector Doll Pink Label 50th Anniversary Barbie Doll costs $49.99; the most expensive Barbie sold on eBay to date fetched $7,999.99.

22  Barbie had her own show with clothing from 50 fashion designers at Fashion Week last month.

23  Mattel estimates that three Barbies are sold every second.

24  Barbie has had more than 1 billion pairs of shoes.

25  Barbie is on Twitter (although inconsistently) @BarbieStyle.

26  The year Barbie was born is the same year that Xerox debuted a commercial copier.

27  Barbie dolls were sealed in a time capsule in 1976 as part of the Bicentennial celebration to be opened in 2076.

28  Malibu Barbie was introduced in the 1970s. "The Simpsons" parodies Barbie by having Lisa own a Malibu Stacy.

29  The first annual Barbie convention was held in 1980.

30  The first commercials for Barbie ran on "The Mickey Mouse Club."

31  The first Barbie doll dress designed by Bob Mackie was called "Gold."

32  Totally Hair Barbie is the best-selling Barbie of all time.

33  In 1965, the only club for children whose membership exceeded Mattel's was the Girl Scouts of America.

34  In 1967, Mattel offered a Twist 'n Turn Barbie to girls who turned in their Ponytail Barbie dolls.

35  Sidepart American Girl Barbie is considered the rarest of the tan-tone vinyl bendable leg Barbie dolls.

36  Twiggy, the model, was Barbie's first celebrity friend.

37  Early market research suggested Barbie would never sell because she had breasts; little girls wouldn't like her and parents wouldn't buy her.

38  Barbie met Ken in 1961.

39  Barbie has five baby sisters. The first, Skipper, debuted in 1964.

40  A 1959 Barbie in mint condition is estimated to bring $27,450.

41  The first Barbies had white irises. The eye color was changed to blue in 1960.

42  The 1988 Happy Holidays Barbie is considered the first non-porcelain "collectible Barbie." When the 1988 Happy Holidays Barbie flew off the shelves and began commanding high values on the secondary market, Mattel realized there was a huge market for adult collectors.

43  In 1986, Andy Warhol was commissioned to paint a portrait of Barbie.

44  The 1999 "Generation Girl" series was considered controversial because one doll had a nose ring and another had an ankle tattoo.

45  Teacher Barbie was recalled in 1995 because she wasn't wearing panties.

46  The first black and Hispanic Barbies were introduced in 1980. (Barbie's African-American friend, Christie, had been introduced in 1968.)

47  There was a Miss Astronaut Barbie in 1965.

48  Barbie made a brief appearance in the movie "Toy Story 2."

49  Sales of Barbie were outlawed in Saudi Arabia in 2003.

50  In 1997, Barbie was redesigned and given a bigger waist.

I found this amusing version of Barbie at 50. I like to think I don't look like that. I have no bags under my eyes, nor those little lines above my lips. I do have grey hair but I have the sense to hide it under vast quantities of L'Oréal Excellence Cream, Medium Brown.

I would, however, kill for that swan-like neck.

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

The Fifth Estate

For those in Canada or with access to the CBC network, The Fifth Estate will be airing a segment about my nephew Brandon Crisp on Friday, March 6th at 9:00 p.m.

As much as it hurts, I feel I must watch it. :(

Love and hugs to Samantha, Natasha, Angelika and Steve.